Simp is a very useful term—a word for a man so eager or desperate for a woman’s regard that he will sacrifice his dignity in pursuit of it. And yet, as with everything, distinctions must be drawn. Without distinctions, we might dismiss good and noble things because they bear some resemblance to less noble things, at least to the untrained eye.
Case in point: many redpill bros use the terms chivalry and white knightalmost synonymously with simping and simp, with an added touch of delusional savior complex. But chivalry is not simping. Chivalry, as I’ve argued recently, is a code for men like St George, who have the courage to ride at the dragon, the strength to put a lance into its heart, and the generosity to give his due reward to the poor before riding off on another adventure. The code has romantic implications, but those are secondary and ought not be mistaken for weak, undignified conduct towards the fairer sex.
It struck me while reading Rollo Tomassi’s redpill manual, The Rational Male, that true chivalry actually has a good deal of overlap with these teachings. Crucial distinctions obtain, of course—mostly because chivalry is informed by a very Catholic and medieval vision of what a man might become, while redpillism tends to be skeptical and modern. Grand consequences follow from first principles. Nevertheless, the best redpillers like Tomassi get many things right.
One of their insights is about frame. Tomassi calls it “an often subconscious, mutually acknowledged personal narrative” which sets the terms on which a relationship proceeds. Much as this might sound like power, frame is more about a personal gravity that comes from being one’s own man; it’s more about leadership or influence or general solidity. Rivelino adds, “If a man can be manipulated, pressured, or distracted by others, he has a weak frame.“ He is, in other words, a simp.
What follows are a few principles for establishing chivalrous frame.
#1—Know yourself
A simp makes her the center of his world and stakes everything on her because he doesn’t know who he is. Very likely there’s just not much to know, insufficient material with which to form an identity. He is little more than a constellation of the cliches he’s heard over the years and the fragments of personality pre-approved for him by the tastemakers of modern life.
Without self-knowledge, frame cannot be established. Nothing is there to guide the simp—no internal resources, no bearings, no sense of what he’s about—nothing except the desperation for approval that compels him to seize the first and easiest opportunity to gain it. Thus he enters into her frame. Not knowing himself, he cannot know others, cannot understand that no woman worth having will respect a man so ready to compromise himself in the attempt to please her. (When what would actually please her is a man who is strong and solid and knows himself.)
The practical implications are paradoxical: knowing ourselves requires us to be less self-absorbed. To know ourselves we ought to look outside ourselves—studying, reading, observing, developing hobbies and interests. We must build a rich inner life, with convictions and principles, a code that guides us regardless of our current relationship status. We would do well to becomes students of history, human nature, great literature, and practical philosophy, with an attachment to heroes and great men whom we aspire to be like. We should be always attentive and never bored. We should spend sufficient time away from the constant noise and distraction that preclude actual selfhood. In doing thus, a man develops an identity and takes first steps to saving himself from simpery.
#2—Kill dragons
A worthy woman wants you to be like St. George, a hero who kills the dragons that terrorize innocent people. The martial qualities that make George a dragonkiller are inherently attractive: strength, courage, athleticism, know-how with weaponry. When a man develops prowess and puts it into action, women will be drawn to him.
But that’s not why the Georges of the world kill dragons. They do it not for the reward, but because that’s the kind of men they are.
George’s conduct after his triumph speaks volumes. Offered half of the kingdom he saved and presumably the princess’ hand in marriage, George politely declined and counter-proposed that the king should instead tend to the poor and build a church.
Such a decision runs directly contrary to the defining tendencies of the simp: his transactional approach to relationships, his attachment to certain outcomes. With everything invested in winning the woman’s affection, the simp ultimately attempts to trade an action for a reward, like a boy who behaves because wants a pat on the head. Sadly but justly, the simp’s neediness makes him significantly less attractive to the woman he needs to get, and instead of affection he merits scorn. George, on the other hand, in being detached from outcome, is free to be great.
This freedom is a prerequisite for killing dragons, and it builds on itself in a virtuous cycle. The man who maintains frame like George is a man who racks up Ws like George, and Ws only help a man better maintain frame, and thus get more Ws, and so on. He finds that options open before him, thus allowing him to pursue a lady from a position of strength.
The aspiring dragonkiller probably already knows what he needs to do: lift weights, train hard, learn martial arts and weaponry, achieve a ferocious physical prowess, and practice doing dangerous things so that when the real danger appears he is ready to go at it. He needs to remember the principles he holds dear and use them as a spur to courageous action. He needs to pray hard, attend Mass, go to confession. The knights of the medieval songs were as devout as they were dangerous. Assured of their readiness to meet their maker, they could boldly face whatever monsters came before them. The dragonkiller’s pursuits will be greatly aided by making friends with other aspiring dragonkillers and other men of character. As iron sharpens iron, he can help them and they can help him.
#3—Treat her with honor
Tomassi and the pedpillers provide a valuable service in constantly reminding us of the differences between men and women, differences that our popular culture and gender studies experts are eager to cover over. But they leave out duties and honors necessitated by these differences and instead recommend a ruthless and adversarial approach. This won’t do. Though one can (and should) take an adversarial approach to the matriarchy and militarized feminism, something else is required with the woman who might become the mother of your children.
To borrow a term from a great movie, redpill teaching encourages a man to seek not love, but a love experience, and many of them. As based as these people can be, they seem oblivious to the disastrous failure of our experiment in building a society dedicated to the pursuit of love experiences. Failure: because love experiences, though memorable, ultimately involve sampling, taking, and consuming, whereas love is an active and generous gift of the self.
Chivalrous frame requires a high estimation of a woman’s worth, as is consistent with the medieval Catholicism that informs chivalry. She is not to be sampled or consumed, but treated with honor. Such an approach doesn’t mean delusion, as the gurus like Tomassi fear, nor does it mean buffoonishly romantic sentimentality, nor does it mean forgetting ourselves as we project aspirations onto her.
Rather, it’s about a strong and generous approach to the fairer sex, with plenty of room for redpill boldness, high spirits, playfulness, and more, so long as they are done right. A man practices gallantry towards his lady not because she expects it, but because he is that kind of man, because it sets a the tone that he wants to set, because their time together is richer, because it brings out something in her and in him. The practical how-to for accomplishing this is difficult to prescribe. What works for you might not work for me, and visa versa. Either way, the better part is simply enjoying playing the cavalier and making our lady feel special and injecting our relationship with chivalrous energy. This is the essence of frame.
In Short
Chivalrous frame is something like noblesse oblige applied to romance: greatness of spirit PLUS the manifestation of that greatness in the generous treatment of others. There is tremendous power and energy in this frame and the man who cultivates it, following the example of the legendary St George the Dragonkiller.