A timely and thoughtful compliment can be a force of nature, potentially altering the course of a person’s day, and maybe more. Everyone can likely remember a dark time in life that was brightened by the kind word of another—with that encouragement, you experience a surge of warmth in the chest or a breeze at your back pushing you forward.
My favorite example involves the most important books of the 20th century. Prior to meeting CS Lewis, JRR Tolkien’s Middle-Earth project was a private matter, known only to his family and a research assistant. Then he showed Lewis. In a letter to Tolkien in 1929, Lewis wrote that he had stayed up late reading a draft of The Silmarillion: "I can quite honestly say that it is ages since I have had an evening of such delight.” With that, and with his continued championing of Tolkien’s work, Lewis became one of the greatest literary kingmakers of all time. Tolkien himself says as much: “But for the encouragement of CSL I do not think that I should ever have completed or offered for publication the Lord of the Rings.”
Think of the implications—a saga that has sold more than 100,000,000 copies, bringing delight and spiritual inspiration to generations of readers, would not exist if not for the encouragement of a friend. Lewis not only changed Tolkien’s life and the lives of all his family, but the lives of generations of Tolkien enthusiasts too.
Of course, not every compliment is going to have world-historical implications of this sort; some of ours might not land at all. Yet you never know: your kind words might run farther than you anticipate. Perhaps the most remarkable thing is that they cost almost nothing to give, just a little forwardness and effort—making for an almost impossibly high return.
Just Do It
It follows that when the chivalrous gentleman observes something impressive about another, he ought to vocalize it.
The imperative of sharing a kind word seems especially so in a time like ours, when anxiety and depression are pretty much the norm and a sort of self-indulgent dispiritedness is actively pressed upon us by the regime. Our world seems to be turning grumpier, more distracted, more indifferent in real time. You can see evidence of a decline whenever someone posts a random candid video of people even just twenty or thirty years ago; they exude a liveliness that we’ve since lost. Thus, the gentleman with a kind word is under obligation to speak up.
There are better and worse ways of going about this, though. Prudence is required. Ill-timed and poorly delivered compliments can make others uncomfortable, and all care must be taken to avoid the impression of flattery. Nor does the courteous gentleman overdo it—one strategic and thoughtful compliment beats a dozen of them sprayed indiscriminately into the conversation. Nor should we dish out ours with some sort of messianic complex, trying too hard to emulate Tolkien’s friend; presumption and patronization are always to be avoided. Our compliments must instead be genuine, thoughtful, and warm-hearted. It also helps to make ourselves into the kind of men that others want compliments from—as the effect of the compliment always increases with the quality of the person bestowing it.
Toward this end of spreading good cheer in a dispirited world, the gentleman will want to have several tools in his toolbox, different ways of offering a kind word.
The Straightforward Compliment—
Every once in a while, we should simply tell others that we admire them, and why. These compliments should be specific: specificity shows thoughtfulness. I can tell my mother, for instance, that she’s beautiful—and it’s good to do so—but it’s usually better to focus in a little more. That might mean telling her that she has a youthful brightness in her eyes, or something like that. Instead of telling her that she’s a great cook, I might tell her that I never realized how lucky I was till I started eating dinner at friends’ houses and noticed how inferior the fare was to that which we had at home. A compliment rarely suffers by being made more detailed and personal.
A couple words of caution: first, like I mentioned above, a gentleman doesn’t overdo the straightforward compliment; the law of inflation will work against you. Second, the straightforward compliment is usually best delivered in private. No need to risk the bashfulness the receiver might experience by being put under the spotlight in front of others, nor the potential jealousy or resentment of others in the group if we focus our compliment on one person.
The Low-Stakes Compliment—
If the straightforward compliment is to be used sparingly, the low-stakes compliment can and should issue forth from our mouths more regularly: a simple and heartfelt “I’m impressed” can go a long way. Saying “Good point” when someone makes one can have effect, too. And I should always try to find something to praise whenever someone prepares a meal for me. In these ways and others, the gentleman should find ways to sprinkle low-stakes compliments liberally.
The Question Compliment—
More subtly, anytime we seek another’s insights or advice, we are subtly complimenting them, implying that we respect their judgment and are interested in their thoughts. This is accomplished simply by asking the person what they think or suggest—almost always a good idea. Make it more explicit and personal by stating your interest: “There’s something I wanted to get your thoughts on.” “I need your advice.”
The Behind-the-Back Compliment—
The brilliance of this is its indirectness. We can compliment Jenny to her friend Alyssa, trusting that Alyssa will pass it along to Jenny. The effect is multiplied when it comes to lovers who take pride in their beloved, and even more so when it involves parents and their children. I recently told a woman that her husband is the most well-read man I’ve ever met and I was touched at how she swelled with pride in him. Complimenting someone behind their back can be a gift that gives twice.
The Messenger Compliment—
Just as you can praise others through a messenger, you can also be the messenger carrying the praise. Whenever you hear a kind word about someone you know, simply share it with him. There’s no flattery here on our part—you’re just passing it along.
I have a good friend who rarely ever compliments directly but reliably passes along a kind word—and it works. I can’t help but feel warmly disposed to him in that moment, just as to the person whose word he’s passing along.
The Oblique Compliment—
There’s nothing worse than complimenting someone and hearing in reply, “Yeah, I get that a lot.” Thus the artful complimenter should avoid the compliments that the other must hear a lot. If someone has a striking feature, for instance, it might be best to leave that one. Or one can use that awareness to deliver a more oblique or playful compliment, maybe even turning the compliment into a non-compliment: “I was going to say that you have excellent hair, but you’re probably getting tired of hearing that so often.” A man might ask how a person gets hair like that, what the person’s hair secrets are, other than being blessed by God, or he might note that such hair must make others jealous.
The Drive-by Compliment—
This one doesn’t differ in form so much as in context: it’s simply a compliment offered to a stranger. You see a man with good posture, for instance, and you tell him so. To be on the receiving end of a good compliment from a stranger is particularly memorable, if only because they are so unexpected. It is seriously alpha conduct to get in the habit of spreading good cheer this way.
Postscript
Let it be noted that just as there is an art to giving compliments, so is there an art to receiving them. A gentleman doesn’t deflect compliments or downplay them; he doesn’t do the fake humility thing or explain they the other person shouldn’t be complimenting him (unless of course the credit belongs to someone else). When someone offers a verbal gift, it is bad form to say “No thanks” or slap it away. The humble and charming response is simply to smile and say thank you. Better yet, a man can tastefully return the compliment by saying “That’s very kind of you.”
great work king!